Blackadder Vs The Evil Squirrel Lady
by saharadragon
Summary: This is a Blackadderesque version of the very good film Rat Race. Also by Ashleigh.


Blackadder vs the evil squirrel lady

_Author's note: This is just a Blackadder-esque Rat Race, which wouldn't make any sense unless you've seen the film._

Blackadder and Baldrick were sat in Blackadder's lodgings. Blackadder was counting coins and putting them into stacks and Baldrick was sat on the floor violently dissecting a spider and eating it leg by leg. No one said a word (which was understandable as one of the members of the conversation would have been Baldrick and, well, that just explains it all) until Percy came in looking rather worried.

"My lord! My lord! Rumour has it that Lord Melchett has gone missing!"

"And of what interest is that to me?"

"My lord, are you not in the least bit concerned?"

Blackadder paused in mock thought. "No not really."

"But my lord! He may be injured. Or worse!"

"Look he's probably just overslept or lost or stuck up a tree or creepy crawled a little too far up the queen's arse. I wouldn't worry. He'll turn up."

Percy frowned. "I suppose so. But anyway you'll have to start acting a bit more concerned as the queen wants to see you. RE: Melchett's disappearance."

"Well Percy, we have improved our general range of vocabulary and literary phrases, haven't we? You can come with me in case I need to talk my way out of anything and Baldrick, you can come too in case I can't talk my way out of anything."

"Yes my lord."

Later, Blackadder, Baldrick and Percy were standing before the queen. She wasn't looking best pleased. In fact, she was looking quite the opposite.

"Oh Lord Blackadder," she said as if she hadn't actually expected him to turn up despite him obviously having very little choice in the matter. "You have probably heard. Melchett's gone missing. It's a terrible state of affairs."

"It wouldn't be the first terrible state of affairs," Nursie chipped in. Queenie glared at her and she quickly shut up.

"Lord Blackadder, someone has to find Lord Melchett and bring him back. And I have chosen that very special person to be you."

"Er-well I would love to Ma'am but unfortunately I erm…"

"Lord Blackadder, if you do not find Lord Melchett and you decide to go against my orders, you will be beheaded, do you understand?"

Blackadder decides it would be wise to agree. "Yes, madam. I shall return with Lord Melchett."

"Woopee! I knew I could rely on you Lord Blackadder. You may choose one of your chums, here, to go with you."

She is referring to Percy and Baldrick. Percy jumps and grabs his cloak from a nearby hanger, convinced that Blackadder was going to pick him. Blackadder sees his eagerness and says:

"Erm-Baldrick I think."

Percy's face falls.

"Very well, Lord Percy you can be Melchie's replacement until he gets back."

Percy gulps.

"There's a carriage waiting for you outside. Go."

"But…"

"GO!"

So Blackadder and Baldrick are sitting in a carriage heading into the desert to try and find Melchett with absolutely no idea where the silly bloke has got to.

They are travelling for about two hours into the desert when their path is blocked by a gate across the road. By the side of the gate is a little hut thing with cages around it. A woman comes out of the hut and walks up to the side of the carriage. (It's the evil squirrel lady)

"Open the gate for us, you old git," says Blackadder.

Seemingly oblivious to all insults, the squirrel lady smiles at them and holds up a squirrel. "Would you like to buy a squirrel?"

Baldrick is about to say something but Blackadder interrupts. "No."

"But Mr B," protests Baldrick. "I'm hungry."

"No Baldrick we are not buying a squirrel."

"Are you sure you wouldn't like a squirrel?"

"NO! Open the bloody gate for us!"

"Yes in a minute but are you sure I can't tempt you with a squirrel?" She strokes the squirrel's cheek. "Look at its little chubby cheeks and cute sharp pointy teeth and sweetie legs." She says sickeningly.

Blackadder couldn't be less impressed if he had just wandered into a field of mushrooms. "Great," he says as sarcastically as humanly possible. "Now just open the bloody gate."

"I SAID LOOK AT ITS LITTLE CHUBBY CHEEKS AND CUTE SHARP POINTY TEETH AND SWEETIE LEGS!" She screams shoving the squirrel in Blackadder's face.

Blackadder decides he had better look. "Yes, might be able to if you'd kindly stop trying to insert it up my left nostril."

Evil squirrel lady goes all friendly again and smiles. "Isn't it cute?"

"Very."

"So do you want to buy one?"

"No."

"Well if you don't like the brown I've got a grey one somewhere. Hang on." She goes back to the hut, reaches into a cage and returns with a fat ill looking squirrel.

"That one looks half dead," Baldrick points out.

"Er- it's not really ill," she squirrel lady explains. "It's just been drinking from the ale barrel. Haven't you Christina?" she tickles the squirrel's chin while Blackadder gives her a famous Blackadder-ry look.

"Excellent," he muses with sarcasm. "I've been sent into the vast wilderness to find a wandering clergyman and am being badgered by a mad old git with a bushy tailed rodent obsession to buy a drunken squirrel called Christina!"

"Well do you want to buy a squirrel or not?"

"Not."

"Sure?"

"YES! OPEN THE BLOODY GATE!"

"Really sure?"

"YES!"

"Nothing I can say or do will change your mind?"

"NO!"

"Well…" Baldrick interrupts.

"NO BALDRICK!"

"Really really don't want to buy a squirrel?"

"I DON'T WANT A BLOODY SQUIRREL NOW OPEN THE BLOODY GATE!"

"Last chance. If you really do want to buy a squirrel say so now."

"NO!"

"Okay. Now if you want to get into the desert this really isn't the best way to go. You'd be better off going back down the road you came and then off to the right, keep going past the old deserted quarry, just ignore the certain death signs, and eventually you'll come to a less bumpy road-it's definitely quicker that way."

"Er…ok. Er-thanks."

They (finally) rode off back where they came from and we get a close up of the squirrel lady looking evil.

They'd been travelling along this shortcut for about twenty minutes. They'd past the deserted quarry that the squirrel lady was talking about and Baldrick had just spotted the first 'sudden death' sign.

"Do you think it's safe?" asked Baldrick worriedly eying up the skull and cross bones.

"I don't know. Does it look safe to you? This empty road?"

Suddenly they felt the carriage tip and they started rolling down a cliff.

"Aaahh! We're falling, my lord!"

"Yes thank you Baldrick if we hit something you'll be sure to point it out won't you?"

"Look, my lord!"

"What is it Baldrick?"

"A sign, my lord."

"What does it say?"

"You"

They both looked to the right as another sign came into view.

"Should"

They looked back to the left.

"Have."

"Bought."

"A"

"Squirrel."

CRASH! The carriage (what was left of it) ended up in a pit of human skeletons. Blackadder and Baldrick crawled out of the wreckage.

"My lord."

"Yes Baldrick?"

"I think we should have bought a squirrel."

Blackadder hit Baldrick on the head with a thighbone and proceeded to do so until they heard a moaning sound coming from the other end of the pit. They went to investigate and found that it was Melchett.

"Melchett!"

"Urrrrrgh. I don't want to get up yet mummy."

"No Melchett wake up it's us," Blackadder said, shaking him awake. He opened his eyes and jumped up!

"Good lord! Lord Blackadder!"

"Yes. What happened, Melchett?"

The queen sent me into the desert and the carriage ended up down here. All I can think about is…squirrels!"

"I see you met the Squirrel lady."

"Er-I don't know what you're talking about."

"Of course. So how are we going to get out of here?"

"I don't know. I don't think we'll ever escape. We're doomed. DOOMED!"

"Relax, I'll get us out of here. I'm Lord Blackadder remember."

Blackadder went over to the edge of the pit and looked up. It was a long way.

"Any ideas?" asked Melchett.

"Ssh. I'm thinking."

"My lord," said Baldrick. (You can probably guess what's coming) "I have a cunning plan."

"Be quiet Baldrick, I'm trying to think."

"But my lord, it's a very cunning plan."

"Oh go on then Baldrick, let's hear this astoundingly cunning plan."

"Well maybe if we all made a human pyramid out of the skeletons we could climb up the top."

"Baldrick, that has to be the worst, most pathetic, useless plan I have ever heard. But it's worth a try. Get those skeletons and put them over here and then find about five more."

They positioned the skeletons to form a pyramid. Melchett was made to go next, being the heaviest, then Baldrick with Blackadder on top (get your mind out of the gutter) who climbed up the ledge to safety, debated whether or not to leave Baldrick and Melchett down there but then remembered the wrath of the queen and the execution order and pulled them both to safety.

"Thank the lord!" exclaimed Melchett before falling to the floor unconscious. A block of frozen urine had fallen from the sky and hit Melchett on the head.

"It's raining frozen piss," said a rather confused Baldrick. Blackadder looked up and saw a plane flying away overhead.

"Did that really just happen? Did a plane really just fly over and drop a block of frozen urine on Melchett's head?" (Well it wouldn't be the first time that something connected with urine had fallen on Lord Snot's head. cough Bambi cough )

"What are we going to do now?"

"My Lord…"

"Baldrick, don't even say it."

"But my lord, I…"

"Have a cunning plan?"

"Well actually I was going to say 'I need to go to the toilet' but now you come to mention it, I think I may have a cunning plan."

"Okay Baldrick, what is it?"

"Well, if we want to find our way around in the desert, we are going to need to find out which way's north, right?"

"Right. Can see a slight problem already, we don't have a compass."

"Precisely. But what if we could make one?"

"Er…yes carry on anyway."

"Well I have here **pulls small magnet out of pocket** a small magnet. If we attach it to Melchett's head **puts the magnet on the top of Melchett's head** and put Melchett on the point of a cactus **puts Melchett on the spike of a nearby cactus** then he'll spin round and show us which way's north."

Melchett starts spinning round.

"That way's north!" points out a triumphant Baldrick.

"Great. Absolutely marvellous. And what's that supposed to achieve."

Baldrick looks crestfallen. "Well er…"

"Precisely. Now do you think we could get on with more important tasks? Namely getting out of here."

Blackadder retrieves a wooden plank from the wreckage of the carriage. He also finds some rope and ties Melchett to the wooden pole.

"I suppose since finding him was our mission, we'd better at least take some of him home. He'll be easier for you to carry attached to the pole."

"Yes my lord."

"Now let's get going."

They walk, Baldrick carrying Melchett on the pole and Blackadder occasionally helping, for several miles in the blistering heat. Both are feeling the need for water so they are incredibly happy to reach an oasis. Even happier when they see a bus pulled up on the side of the oasis. Unfortunately they returned to not-so-happiness when they realise it's an 'I love Lucy' convention and everyone is dressed up as a Lucy.

This, however, is a minor insignificant detail. Blackadder kidnaps the bus driver and sticks him in the luggage compartment after stealing his clothes. They raid the luggage compartment and conveniently find a Lucy costume. Baldrick is utterly forced to dress up as a Lucy and looks rather cute in the blue gingham dress and ginger wig and Blackadder puts the drivers clothes on and they climb back into the bus unseen with Melchett as the Lucys are washing in the oasis. (At least we assume so)

Blackadder sits in the driver's seat (which you would expect considering he's just become the driver) and props Melchie on his pole up next to him and sticks a map in front of his face after deciding he can be the navigator. Baldrick, however, is not so lucky. He is going to have to sit on the passenger seats amidst the rabble that is the 'I love Lucy' convention Lucys.

After what seems like hours, the Lucys start to pile on board.

"You've been a long time, girls," says Blackadder just to make polite conversation.

A various Lucy frowns. "Obviously-you've grown a beard."

Blackadder disentangles himself from this line of inquiry and the 'I love Lucy' convention bus sets off. Blackadder isn't exactly sure where they are supposed to be going (and lets face it the navigator isn't exactly much help) but he figures that a bus load of Lucys travelling in a wilderness of a desert isn't exactly going to start shouting at him for taking the wrong turn into Croydon or anything.

After about an hour of inane chattering Lucys driving Blackadder senseless, the Lucys decide it's time for their toilet break. Unfortunately for them, the toilet quite literally breaks (well at least the lock on the door does) and none of the poor Lucys can even go to the toilet without being in full view of the entire coach load of fellow Lucys.

One Lucy decides to complain about this to Blackadder (after all being the driver he's really going to be able to come back there and fix the lock isn't he?).

"What exactly _is_ the problem?" asks an irritated Blackadder, hopefully just concentrating on driving and not considering any hidden fetishes for Lucys (particularly Baldrick dressed up). "It's not like you've got anything the other Lucy's haven't seen before."

The Lucy's voice suddenly converts to a man's: "Not necessarily."

"Aaaaahhhh!"

Blackadder loses control of the bus and it veers to the left, he eventually pulls it to a halt.

Meanwhile…

Baldrick is happily having a piss er-making use of the lavatory facilities when the door swings open and about twelve Lucys are looking at him.

"Hey," says one. "You're not supposed to be standing up."

Baldrick turns round to protest. BIG mistake. The whole bus immediately becomes filled with screams and Lucys running round in panic. In the confusion, the map gets knocked out of Melchett's hands.

"Ahhh!" screeches a Lucy. "He's dead!"

"Urgh," groans Melchett.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!" scream the Lucys.

The Lucys run off the bus and refuse to get on until 'both the dead guy and the transvestite are off the bus'.

They hear something coming from the back of the luggage compartment. They open it up and the semi-naked bus driver rolls out causing more screams.

This all results in Blackadder, Baldrick and Melchett on pole being thrown off the bus and the bus driving away very very fast.

"Damn," says Blackadder. "I'm not sure which is worse, having to walk the rest of the way, or having to put up with the Lucy that is not necessarily a Lucy for the rest of the way."

"How do you think I feel? I have to walk round in a Lucy costume."

"Shut up Baldrick, you're lucky. You didn't see that bloke in a Lucy costume at particularly close quarters."

So they continue walking with little hope of a miraculous rescue. Although, luckily (and unbelievably) they come across an Arab and a camel.

"Mister Arab," says Blackadder. "Will you sell us your camel?"

The Arab says nothing. Blackadder misinterprets this as the Arab not being able to understand English.

"Oh god, let's see. You…" he points to the Arab. "Camel…" he points to the camel. "Us…" he points to himself. Then he does all three actions simultaneously.

The Arab shrugs.

"Oh god!" groans Blackadder, aspirated. "You…" does the action again. "Sell us the camel. _Camel._" Points to himself and the camel.

"Aw'right guv, how much?" says the Arab in an unmistakable cockney accent.

Blackadder sighs and glares at the 'Arab'. After a while, he searches around in his tights. Then he gestures to Baldrick who shrugs, as he is unlikely to keep any money in his Lucy costume. He looks round in Melchetts robes but shrugs again.

"Alright then," says Blackadder to the 'Arab'. "Will you _give_ us the camel?"

"You're having a laugh, aintcha? Alright, I'm not actually an Arab."

Blackadder raises an eyebrow. "You don't say."

"No, I'm a spy."

"Great."

"And you're under arrest."

"What for?"

"That," he points to Melchett. "Is a weapon of mass destruction."

"No it is not. It is Lord Melchett. Well okay I can sort of see how you got confused but still…"

"Do you know how long we have been searching for those weapons of mass destruction?"

"I am well aware." (Don't get clever-ed)

"Well we always knew they were they somewhere."

**Rolls eyes** "Of course you did." (I said _don't_ get clever and watch it, this is my story. I wield extraordinary power-ed)

"Where have we heard that before?"

(Shut up-ed)

Anyway, back to the story.

"Melchett is not a weapon of mass destruction."

"I don't believe you."

"But how do you _know_ that he is a weapon of mass destruction?"

"Well he looks like one."

"How do you know what one looks like? I mean it's not as if they've ever found any." (I said shut up-ed)

"If he's not a weapon of mass destruction, how do you explain the wooden pole?"

"Er…"

"My point proved."

"But…how do you know that just because he's made of wood makes him a weapon of mass destruction?"

"Because wood floats on water!"

"But so do ducks."

"Oh…yes…I hadn't thought of that. So you think we're looking for a duck?"

"Positive."

"Oh well thanks, I'd better go find a duck then. Thanks for all your help, I tell you what, have my camel."

"Oh, thank you very much."

They leave the mockney Arab and carry on their way, Baldrick carrying the camel, the camel carrying Blackadder and Melchett on pole attached to a piece of rope dragging behind.

This is how they arrive back at Queenie's palace.

"12 hours, 57 minutes and 12 seconds."

John Cleese and his gambling friends jump up from behind various pieces of furniture. Eventually the camel drags Melchett in.

"12 hours, 57 minutes and 29 seconds. I win!" John Cleese declares.

"That is not fair, the camel's nose came in first!" protests Queenie.

"Er-what exactly is going on?" asks a rather puzzled Blackadder.

"We had a bet," explains Queenie. "I said that Melchett would get back here first because I sent him off first."

"But I said that you'd get back here first because there's two of you," grins a triumphant John Cleese.

"But none of you got back first because the camel's nose came in first so it's disqualified."

"Ah but no one mentioned a camel. I'm afraid I win, you owe me a million."

"Hey! You can't do that!"

"I can do anything I like, I'm an eccentric. Aaaaah!"

Queenie jumps up. "I AM THE QUEEN HERE AND YOU SHALL ALL BE PUNISHED! YOU!" She points to John Cleese. "CAN BE BURNED AT THE STAKE! YOU!" She points to all of his gambling friends. "GET OUT!" They hurry to obey and she turns on Blackadder and Baldrick. "YOU WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A WHOLE MONTH OF BEING THE SLAVE OF…THE SQUIRRELS!" She looks closely at Baldrick in his Lucy costume. "Actually you look kind of cute. What's your name?"

"Baldrick, your majesty."

"Baldrick? That's a funny name for a Lucy. Well I shall call you Lucy. You may be excused from squirrel slavery as you can marry Melchett."

Blackadder laughs. "Bad luck, Balders."

"And you…" she turns round to face Percy who is innocently standing next to the evil Squirrel lady trying not to be noticed.

"Me?"

"You can marry Gertrude the Squirrel."

Gertrude the squirrel walks in dressed in a long white dress, veil and too much makeup.

"Urgh!"

The day of the wedding/execution came and John Cleese is burning in the centre of the room and everyone is toasting marshmallows on him, Blackadder's standing next to a group of squirrels on a lead, Baldrick the Lucy is standing next to Melchett on pole who is still unconscious, Percy is arm in arm with an incredibly keen Gertrude the squirrel and Queenie and the evil squirrel lady are sitting down drinking tea and watching everything.

Suddenly the door bursts open and the mockney Arab is standing there.

"YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST FOR HABOURING WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!" he bellows.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" demands Queenie.

"LOOK!" says the mockney Arab and points to the ground where there is a whole flock of ducks eating the wedding decorations.

"NOW LISTEN," shouts Queenie looking menacing. "Everybody here today is either getting married or getting executed. Which would you prefer?"

The 'Arab' cowers. "Er-getting married please."

Nursie rushes forward, arms stretched with a massive grin on her face.

"Aaaahhh! Executed! Executed!"

"TOO LATE!"

So John Cleese burned to death as everybody toasted marshmallows round him, Blackadder became slave to the squirrels, Lucy and Melchett on pole got married as did Percy and Gertrude the squirrel and Nursie and the Arab and Queenie and the squirrel lady have tea.

The end!


End file.
